From Disbelief to Reality

"You better take another one", "Congratulations!", "Really?!", "How exciting!"... These are all responses I got when we told someone that Clarence and I were expecting another baby in August. We found out on New Year's Eve and told our families a week or so later. From the very beginning we had questions about how we were going to make it work with another baby. We talked through it and we were ready with a plan for welcoming the newest addition to our family. I think we were finally getting to the point of being excited. We both wanted another child, maybe not yet, but we definitely wanted one. I felt like something wasn't right from the very beginning. It didn't feel the same as it did when we were expecting Isaac and Alex, but I dismissed it, and hoped that I was wrong. Then my fears were confirmed. I had spotting and then bleeding today. I had already called the doctor's office twice and knew that I had an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday. But, I just couldn't wait any longer. I got in to the doctor's office today for the ultrasound. I have never been as nervous or sad as I was today. To have an ultrasound where you know something's not right is just not a fun experience. The ultrasound tech searched, and she found the place where a baby should be, but there was nothing there. Nothing. No baby. No heartbeat. No nothing. In that moment I was numb. I was expecting it, because I knew something wasn't right, but it still hurts and I couldn't help but cry. After the ultrasound, we went over to see my doctor. She tried to put the pieces together for the timing of the pregnancy to see where things should be at this point. Since I should be nine weeks, she concluded that this is just not a normal pregnancy. They drew my blood today and will again on Wednesday. The expectation is that my hormone levels will be lower on Wednesday, confirming the miscarriage. The hardest thing for us at this point is explaining it to the boys since we have already told them that a baby is coming. We don't think Alex will question it, but Isaac may have more questions. He's smart and will want to know what happened. I guess, in reality, nothing happened. There was never a baby, and that's what we'll tell him. A test said Mommy was having a baby, but when the doctor checked, there wasn't one. That's easier, to me anyway, than telling them that there was a baby, but he/she is not living anymore. For that, I am grateful. I am also thankful for my two healthy boys and my husband who loves us all. I am thankful for friends and family and all their kind words during this time. We will have another baby one day, and when we do, it will be the right time.