Camp Fire

Tonight we decided to start a fire in the fire pit. Since we don't own a shredder, this is our way of getting rid of sensitive documents. Alex said we were having a camp fire, hence the title of this post. The boys enjoyed throwing all the paper in and making the fire bigger. But, when it came time to sit still and enjoy the warmth of the fire, they were bored. So, here are some pictures of our camp fire.

the flames

Alex and I - I love his sweet smile

Isaac and I - I love his too

All my boys

(Alex is trying to blow the fire out here...)

Pictures that make me smile

Most of these pictures are old, but I wanted to post something to make me smile. :)

Alex checking out some glasses

my sleeping angel

Mr. Goofball

my big boy eating snow

I do not want to dwell

So, I'm not sure how I feel. During some moments during the day, I feel fine and realize that everything happens for a reason. Others, I'm so sad and all I can ask is, "why?". I remind myself that I am very blessed to have two healthy boys who thrive in their environments and are so smart and stubborn like their Daddy and me. I try to remind myself that we weren't even trying to have a baby, so why am I so sad? It's just the loss of the idea of having another Miller baby...diapers, formula, little socks, dirty diapers, toothless grins, crawling, laughing, first steps, etc. All of it, the good, the baby and the ugly. I had already gotten used to the idea of going through all that again, and for now, it has been taken away. I try to find peace in the fact that at least there was no baby to begin with instead of one without a heartbeat. I think that would have been a lot more difficult, if that's even possible to imagine. We told our boys last night that we are not having a baby right now. Alex just said ok and continued playing. Isaac didn't take the news quite as easily. He wanted to know more about what happened and why. Unfortunately, we don't know why, and that's what we had to tell him. He said, so we'll have a baby next August then, not this one? And I guess for now, that's the million dollar question... when will we have another baby? Only time will tell.

From Disbelief to Reality

"You better take another one", "Congratulations!", "Really?!", "How exciting!"... These are all responses I got when we told someone that Clarence and I were expecting another baby in August. We found out on New Year's Eve and told our families a week or so later. From the very beginning we had questions about how we were going to make it work with another baby. We talked through it and we were ready with a plan for welcoming the newest addition to our family. I think we were finally getting to the point of being excited. We both wanted another child, maybe not yet, but we definitely wanted one. I felt like something wasn't right from the very beginning. It didn't feel the same as it did when we were expecting Isaac and Alex, but I dismissed it, and hoped that I was wrong. Then my fears were confirmed. I had spotting and then bleeding today. I had already called the doctor's office twice and knew that I had an ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday. But, I just couldn't wait any longer. I got in to the doctor's office today for the ultrasound. I have never been as nervous or sad as I was today. To have an ultrasound where you know something's not right is just not a fun experience. The ultrasound tech searched, and she found the place where a baby should be, but there was nothing there. Nothing. No baby. No heartbeat. No nothing. In that moment I was numb. I was expecting it, because I knew something wasn't right, but it still hurts and I couldn't help but cry. After the ultrasound, we went over to see my doctor. She tried to put the pieces together for the timing of the pregnancy to see where things should be at this point. Since I should be nine weeks, she concluded that this is just not a normal pregnancy. They drew my blood today and will again on Wednesday. The expectation is that my hormone levels will be lower on Wednesday, confirming the miscarriage. The hardest thing for us at this point is explaining it to the boys since we have already told them that a baby is coming. We don't think Alex will question it, but Isaac may have more questions. He's smart and will want to know what happened. I guess, in reality, nothing happened. There was never a baby, and that's what we'll tell him. A test said Mommy was having a baby, but when the doctor checked, there wasn't one. That's easier, to me anyway, than telling them that there was a baby, but he/she is not living anymore. For that, I am grateful. I am also thankful for my two healthy boys and my husband who loves us all. I am thankful for friends and family and all their kind words during this time. We will have another baby one day, and when we do, it will be the right time.

Happy New Year!

For New Year's Eve this year, we went to Kelli and Steve's house again. We had a great time! Here are a few pictures from our night.

This is a really cute one of Kelli...

The girls...and Mickey Mouse

Me and the hubby. This was the best one I could get.

This is one of the only ones I got of one of our boys. Kelli was trying to make Alex give her a hug before he went back upstairs to play with all the other boys that were there. :)

Christmas a few weeks late...

Well, it's a few weeks late, but we had a great Christmas! We spent most of Christmas Eve with my parents. We went over for a late breakfast and stayed most of the day. We all had a great time and the boys got two very cool presents!

Isaac eating his new favorite breakfast food, sausage cheese balls

Alex doing the same and looking so cute!



Alex was so excited to open the Last Airbender DVD from Granny and Grandaddy

Isaac with his very cool laptop from Granny and Grandaddy. Alex got a very cool gift too, a Vtech VReader. He loves reading his books!

After spending the day with my parents, we went to Clarence's Dad's house for dinner and more presents.



Isaac playing on the pogo stick at Nana and Pops' house. He got pretty good at it! I think he might just have to get his own for his birthday.

Here's Alex playing the guitar he got from us for Christmas with his new Woody pjs and cowboy hat. Love my little cowboy! He was singing a song that he made up.

Alex dancing with his guitar

After opening presents at home on Christmas morning, we went to Clarence's Nanny and Robert's for lunch.

Woody Buzz - Woody hat and Buzz Lightyear wings

Isaac was so excited to see that he got the Nintendo DS that he had been asking for.

Little Logan on his first Christmas



Isaac with his DS. He looks so grown up; before we know it he'll be a teenager!



Alex and Logan - Alex likes babies

Alex opening his Jessie doll from Aunt Sandi. He was so excited! He thought that Santa forgot to bring it to him because it was one of the last presents he opened on Christmas day.

Christmastime

The past few weeks have been really busy for us as it usually is this time of year. It seems like things start being busy at Thanksgiving and don't stop until New Year's! For my birthday this year, Kelli, Steve, Clarence and I went to Santa Fe to have dinner, and then we were going to go see the Christmas lights at Opryland. I say we were going to, because when we got there and realized they were charging $18 to park, we turned around and left.

Clarence and I at Santa Fe

For my birthday, my parents gave Clarence and I tickets to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra. I had seen them before, but this was Clarence's first time. When we left for the concert, it was snowing pretty hard. We didn't realize that by the time the concert was over that it was going to be such a mess! It took us an hour to travel what normally would have taken only 15 minutes. Trucks like Clarence's don't like roads covered in snow and ice! By the time we got to my parents' house, where our boys were, we decided that we would just spend the night instead of trying to make it across town all the way back home.

Clarence's truck in the snow

the best picture I got of the show from my phone since I left my camera in the truck

Later that same week, Alex had his Christmas party and concert at school. He was excited his brother and I were there, but he didn't want to sing in the concert. He finally warmed up enough and sang the last two songs.

Before the concert... I was trying to encourage him to sing

After the concert was over... all smiles!


Last weekend we and the boys assembled and decorated their first gingerbread train. They enjoyed assembling it, but left most of the decorating up to me. :)

Isaac helped with the peppermints

And finally...
Last night my mother and I went to see the Garth Brooks Rescue Party concert. It was awesome! I am so glad my mother and I were able to get tickets and that we could spend that time together. 9 sold out shows to benefit flood relief is amazing, and says a lot for our great state of Tennessee, not to mention those who came from out of state just to see Garth!

Garth did two shows a night. We went to the 6:00 show, and there was another one that was supposed to start at 9:00. But, I doubt that it did, because at 9:00 we were stuck on 5th avenue in the crowd of people trying to get in and out of the arena. It was ridiculous, like nothing we had ever seen before. I heard on the news people were comparing it to Marti Gras. All I can say is, if that's what Marti Gras is like, you can count me out! It was crazy! But, like everyone else there probably thought, Garth is worth it! :)

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I hope everyone has a great Christmas spending time with family and friends. Here in Nashville, we're hoping for the first white Christmas in several years!